There is a part in one of the Harry Potter movies where Hermione describes all the emotions that Cho must me be feeling. Ron responds, "One person couldn't feel all of that or they would burst!"
Truer words could not be spoken to describe the last two weeks in our home. There are too many thoughts and feelings to put into words. I'll do my best to touch on some highlights but please note that they do not convey the emotions below the surface.
Sometimes, out of all my organs, I am most grateful for my skin. It keeps me together when nothing else can.
The Farewell
As it has been with most missionaries during the last 18 months, this was not the big send-off Grayson had in mind. However, when it was all said and done we both agreed that it was simply what was meant to be.
He spoke on Sunday, August 15th as a missionary. He was set apart the week before. I would never do it this way again. Planning and unplanning a farewell while in the midst of doing Home MTC is very distracting. We had our reasons for waiting a week, mainly to include more people. Those reasons did not pan out so lesson learned, press on with what works best for our family. The extended family watched via Zoom. Matt also had to watch via Zoom! Grandma Donna came in person. She said, "Nothing is going to keep me from seeing my grandson!" The two of them have always had such a special bond that it was the sweetest thing ever to have her. Another surprise guest was Gavin! I was headed to the foyer to help Grandma when he walked in with his family! It was so unexpected that I literally just stood there for, who knows how long, with my jaw hanging open! It threw Grandma as well. She asked me, "Where is Mallerie then?" I reminded her that she is in Hawaii (she had just filmed Sam's wedding for us the day before). Gavin was fresh off the plane from Belize. Grayson's friends were also in attendance. His friends are a fiercely loyal bunch, I have noticed.
I treated the friends to a picnic after the second hour—since I was teaching Gospel Doctrine (see, shoulda done the farewell the week before;) I was unable to visit with Gavin's family as long as I would have liked after Sacrament meeting—my class was also being filmed:/ All of these things caused me angst that had nothing to do with the day … which I am aware … was not about me!
I did realize that with all the ups and downs that the weekend before brought, I am able to bounce. As soon as something negative would present itself I would immediately replace it with a positive. For example, "Matt can't be there in person, but he can see Grayson's face now instead of looking at the back of his head."
A Peaceful Picnic
Earlier in the week, knowing I couldn't come home to make a lunch for guests immediately following church, I decided to just get platters from Sam's Club. However, I would have to store them at the church since I don't have room in my fridge. However, a class meets in the kitchen so how could I get my platters without trouble? I slept on it. I didn't realize how unsettled my mind was on the matter till I began having a nightmare. In the dream, I was in an unfamiliar house trying to put together a meal for 50+ people. Everyone was calling out different orders, "Abby didn't you put the roast in?" "Abby you need to get the roast in." Someone had left TWO vacuums in the middle of the floor. The rhythm of the dream kept getting more and more intense as though bongo drums were beating faster and faster. At the final beat, I opened my eyes in a panic and these two words were spoken to my mind as though from heaven…
Smith's Deli.
I have never ordered from Smith's Deli but I went to the website and saw that they do party platters! I could pick them up the day of without having to store them anywhere. My mind was at rest. Thank HEAVEN.
It worked out perfectly to pick up the luncheon before taking it to the pavilion at the Stake Center. After church, as I pulled into the parking lot of Smith's, I reminded the kids, "My ox is in the mire."
Grayson had about fifteen loyal friends join him for lunch.
After all of the events of the day and things were returning to normal in our home, I learned of an unkind remark made about me during my Sunday School class by someone on Zoom, who thought they were muted. They felt horrible about it and wanted to come over and apologize. How exhausting. I'd rather they didn't. Much easier to just let it go. As I lay in bed that night contemplating the highs and lows of the day, I thought, "I'd much rather be falling asleep with my troubles than having been caught bad-mouthing someone in front of my whole ward!" Ouch.
Home MTC
One day while he was in meetings, I snuck him a snack and put it on the bench in his room. It tipped over as I turned to leave. I propped it again. It tipped again! Gah! What a mess it made. I mouthed, "I'll come to clean this up later." He just shook his head slightly and stifled a giggle.
Oh, how I love my relationship with Gray! We have come so far. As I gave him his last haircut—his missionary haircut—I noted that it is so nice to be able to cut his hair now without him calling out, "OUCH! It feels like you are trying to kill me!"
Back to School
As though I needed another goodbye, school started for Graham and Callie while Grayson was doing Home MTC. Since Matt wasn't feeling well enough, Grayson gave the back-to-school blessings on Sunday night, me included. I won't attempt to describe it. Grayson summed it up best, "The feeling in our home, the last couple of years especially, has been so good!" He was melancholy with it all coming to an end. I reminded him that no matter where he'd be going, to school, the military, to work, or to travel, his childhood has come to an end. Either way, he still has his memories no matter where he goes. I am a bit startled that he seems to only remember the good.
During breakfast the first day of school, Grayson kept commenting to Graham about what a big deal it is that he is starting High School. When I dropped of Graham at WHS, I stayed and watched him till he walked through the doors. When I came home, Grayson said, "I am more sentimental about Graham starting high School than I was at my graduation!"
Growing Pains.
Callie and Graham will be at different schools this year and next. She is happy to be starting 7th grade even with all the uncertainty and insecurities that tender age brings.
With all of the hullabaloo, I failed to read an announcement from Graham's Band that they would be playing at the opening assembly. As he filed into the gym and saw the band there in their matching shirts playing the fight song, he was so confused. Knowing how much he would have enjoyed that I felt crushed when I heard. I haven't been able to bounce on that one.
Graham was at band practice on Tuesday night when we had our last supper with Grayson. That day, as I laid on the bed in his room while he packed (eating a giant bag of peanut m&m's, mind you) he said, "I guess I never used this Chick's Cafe gift card from graduation."
I said, "You aren't gone yet, let's go!" While at dinner, I got a text from a friend. One of Grayson's childhood friends just opened his call to Chicago! He'll be arriving on Nov 1st. All these little things kept Gray pumped to get out in the field.
Provo MTC
Because the kids were in school, they did not join us at the MTC for the drop-off on Wednesday, August 18th.
Before leaving home that morning, Grayson did a once-over walk-through of the house, taking it all in. He'd mention a memory here and there. He noted that his bedroom has been next to mine his entire life. He paced the basement and said goodbye to Poe. He went outside to shoot his final hoops. It occurred to him, "Mom, did you have this cement pad poured for me?"
"Yes."
With all the sentimental good-bye-ing, Matt observed to me, "He is tearing my heart out."
Skin is a good thing.
Down the canyon, we ran into Ross to get him a better suitcase, a rain jacket, and sunglasses. I don't think it was a coincidence that we saw another Elder at J Dawgs…who is headed to Matt's mission, Tampa! The missionary had been standing outside David's Bridal when we pulled up. I said, "Is that Elder trying to decide between the mish or marriage?"
As we drove to the MTC, Grayson noted, "When I opened my call, all I wanted was to be able to go to the MTC, and here we are, headed to the MTC!" Grayson is very open with how he is feeling at any given moment. It is one of his most endearing qualities. It was this quality, however, that made us feel every up and down with him during the weeks leading up to his departure.
You know how the Fantasyland rides at Disneyland always start out happy but then you go through doors and it turns spooky all of a sudden? Such as you are peacefully gliding along when you hear the queen shouting, "Off with her head!" or "Walk the plank!" Well, that is how the MTC drop-off is. You wind around the beautiful gardens with smiling faces, only to be led down a one-way tunnel to the parking garage where it is time to say goodbye. None of us are big fans of lengthy dramatic goodbyes so we kept it brief.
The rain started up again on our way home.
Heaven's tears.
I asked Matt how he thought Gray will do. "I give it 50/50." GAH! Wink wink.
We have been on pins and needles wondering how he is adjusting in the MTC. Is his heart is racing and he can't eat? Is he loving it? Somewhere in the middle? As I served in the temple on Thursday, I thought of him right across the street. (The Provo temple grounds are equally as gorgeous as Payson's).
We finally heard from him yesterday, Saturday. He loves it! Matt and I were driving down the canyon when his letter came in. I read the line out loud, twice, "It was an amazing week! I loved it." Big sigh! Still, was it true or was he just saying that? Right after that, he called. He sounded so happy as we spoke. Of course, it is true. You get what you get with Gray.
Matt and I were able to enjoy the TWO receptions we attended that evening with a spring in our step.
Two missionaries. My heart is spread thin and yet it has never been so full.
